We are expecting new and exciting metal this year, so we have compiled a few niceties for car lovers and followers of this page as a way of wishing you the best driven year of your lives. Let us buckle up and rev it up to the skies my friends, writes DESMOND LESETEDI.
Ok, so this is a new year then. Well, I am jubilant and excited about it and oozing with thoughts and ideas emanating from last year’s offerings in the car industry. It is time to push it all out and bare it to the world. So there has been more hype surrounding Adele’s new album than a pope found dressed in an uncompromising manner.
But we live in times that we are used to vulgarity, and when you take the time out to express why Charma-girl is a better singer than that Adele, the English songstress, you are seen as a pontificating fool. That though, was 2015 and I refuse to believe that all the nonsense that was happening around were pointers to how 2016 will pan out.
With the first week already gone by let us get on with it and not fool around. Let us buckle up and rev up loudly my friends.
FORD FOCUS RS
The cult-followed Focus is likely to bring some manic reactions to the motoring world. Just on the subject of the numbers it produces, there is enough of them to get grown men all frothy: 345bhp, 4WD, 0-100km/hr. in 4.7 seconds and a 265 km/hr. Its top speed is orgasmic, even measured against the 362bhp Audi RS3 and the lunatic 376bhp Mercedes A45 AMG. This is hot hatch heaven and a lot of Golfs are going to be embarrassed in the ensuing robot to robot racing that is sure going to take place. Apparently it can light up its rear tyres and drift too! I say sweet ‘16 indeed.
BMW M2
There is no polite way of putting this. If you cannot afford an M4, then you go for this one. Look at it this way: Two men set out on the night to get drunk. One buys a Johnny Walker Blue Label whiskey bottle and continues to slosh it down, the other gets numerous Carling Black Label beers and does the same. They both get properly pissed and end up sprawled on the pub’s floor for the night. The idea was to get wasted and they surely did. The mandate was reached through different prices but same ‘labels’. Do you follow? The M2 will rip off from 0 to 100km/hr. in 4.3 seconds. I do not see many cars doing that, so choose your poison good, sirs and madams.
BUGATTI CHIRON
If you want to be properly wasted, drunk as a skunk and piss down your pants while shouting “you only live once”, then you are going to need to own a wine pressing farm, and at the same time be the chairman of the Black Label brewing company. This is both for the monies you will need to buy the Bugatti Veyron’s replacement and to run it. You want its numbers? Well we still do not know, but the W16 quad turbo engine will live on, possibly with hybrid assistance and definitely with enough power to sail past the Veyron’s top speed. Our best guess is around 1 500bhp and 450 km/hr. This is senior stuff and we expect it to beat the Veyron in every department.
ALFA ROMEO GIULIA QV
Meet the Giulia QV, the beefed-up sedan that has been forged for just one purpose: to obliterate its German rivals. Developed as a rear-wheel-drive opponent for the 2016 BMW 3 Series and the 2015 Mercedes-Benz C-Class, the new Giulia also marks the brand’s return to its RWD roots. The best part is that Alfa utilises a 503bhp twin-turbo V6, part engineered by Ferrari to give a 0 to100km/hr in of 3.9 seconds. I simply cannot wait.
KIA SPORTAGE
Ok, this list above has too much testosterone for one edition. So we need to introduce some sense and sensibility in the shape of a Korean, no less. This is the fourth generation of the Kia Sportage, and it has grown and found a much more dramatic front-end, highlighted by the four ice cube style daytime running lights proudly perched at each corner. This is a cousin to the Hyundai Tucson and reports from overseas suggest that it is not a bad thing seeing as both cars have proved themselves well both locally and elsewhere.
It is not a Range Rover nor does it pretend to be, but I really love how it looks. In fact how it drives is not important seeing how the kind of people who buy these types of vehicles cannot tell a car’s feel from that of a TV remote. That alone makes it a winner.